2. Pinocchio- 1940

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Rating: 🙅🏼‍♀️ thank you, next

A lonely toymaker Geppetto wishes upon a wishing star that his beloved puppet Pinocchio would become a real boy. The wishing star grants his wish and Pinocchio is brought to life. However, he is still made of wood. In order to complete his transformation as a real boy he must learn the difference between right and wrong. With the help of his “conscience” Jiminy Cricket, Pinocchio must learn to navigate the perils of morality on his own. 

Okay, let me just preface this review by saying that I HAVE A LOT TO SAY ABOUT THIS MOVIE, and it is not positive. So, if this is a movie that you love then I wouldn’t recommend reading this review because I might just destroy your childhood. Or, if abuse and trauma are triggering for you, I would also recommend skipping this review. With that being said, let’s get into it…

Geppetto is a lonely old man, obsessed with making toys. (So far, so good). He sees a wishing star and only gets one wish and the only wish in his heart is for a little boy. Parenthood seems like an odd choice for an elderly man, but I can still hang with the plot thus far. When Pinocchio comes to life, they have a grand old-time dancing around the house and when it comes time to go to sleep, they cuddle up in the same bed. A little weird for an older man and a young boy who just met IRL for the first time. But you could argue that parents sleep in the same bed as their small children all the time and it’s not weird, so I’ll give this a pass too.

In the morning Geppetto informs Pinocchio that in order to be a good boy he must go to school. So, he sends him out ALONE with nothing but an insect to guide and protect him. Pinocchio doesn’t make it far before he is literally kidnapped and sold into slavery for the first time. That’s right. He’s sold into slavery MORE THAN ONCE in this wacko “kids” movie. He’s sold to Stromboli, a gypsy who runs a traveling show, and he is forced to perform as an actor. He is tricked into thinking that this decision was his idea because, after all, who doesn’t want to be an actor? When Pinocchio attempts to go home Stromboli locks him in a cage and leaves town. At this point the worthless Jiminy Cricket attempts to break Pinocchio out but he is unsuccessful. The wishing star comes back and lets Pinocchio know that she’s disappointed in him for not going to school like he was supposed to. She helps him escape but lets him know that this will be the last time that she will be helping him. This seems pretty harsh since she literally hasn’t even given him a functional human brain yet, or the body of someone who is old enough to protect themselves, and she is mad at HIM that he got kidnapped? A nice bit of victim blaming from the character that is supposed to represent goodness and kindness.

Pinocchio escapes but again is captured because he’s a little boy out alone on the streets of a strange town. This time he is taken by The Coachman who promises Pinocchio a life of fun at Pleasure Island. Pleasure Island is a place where little boys can drink and smoke and never have to go to school. When they are lured to Pleasure Island, unbeknownst to them, the gates are locked behind them. The beer is drugged so when the boys drink it, they begin transforming into donkeys. The film literally refers to them as “jackasses”. The explicit meaning refers to the stupidity of the boys. But the implicit meaning is only thinly veiled and it’s pretty terrifying. Drugged alcohol that turns little boys into “ass” who are then held in captivity and never able to return home? WHAT THE HELL DISNEY??!! When asked if The Coachman is afraid of getting caught for trafficking these boys, he salaciously informs the audience that he’s not afraid because they never return home “as boys”. Does this mean that they are killed? Or that once they turn into ass they are so morally and physically damaged that they no longer retain their childhood innocence? I’m not quite sure which is a more terrifying outcome. When The Coachman rounds up the donkeys he begins sorting them into different cages labeled “Circus” and “Salt Mines” and gets ready to ship them into slavery. When one little boy, Alexander, is still able to speak he is separated from the group and placed with the other boys who can still speak. What happens to those boys?? We’ll never know, but the thought gives me chills.

Pinocchio is the “lucky” one and he is able to escape with only donkey ears and a donkey tail. He longs to find Geppetto, but Pinocchio is informed by the wishing star that Geppetto went out looking for Pinocchio and became trapped in the belly of a whale. To reunite with his father Pinocchio’s only option is to tie a heavy rock to his tail and jump into the sea and hope to find his father. At this point in the movie I began to feel physically ill. The only option to reunite with your family and be safe after escaping the disgustingly named Pleasure Island is to kill yourself?? When Pinocchio reaches the bottom of the sea, he sees a school of seahorses who all have DONKEY EARS. Are we supposed to believe that he’s not the only boy who tied a rock to their feet and threw themselves into the ocean?? Pinocchio ultimately does die while rescuing Geppetto. But the utterly infuriating wishing star comes back one last time to be a pal and bring Pinocchio back to life. He finally learned right from wrong and now he gets to be a real boy. This moral might just be the most baffling part of this pedophilic sh*t show. When he escapes pleasure island, the right thing to do was to go on a suicide mission and succeed in killing himself? I can’t even. All I can say is that in light of what we know about the longstanding history of child abuse in the film industry this movie gives me full body chills. They gave themselves a happy ending because Pinocchio is the only little boy to escape, and none of the villains receive any type of retribution for their actions. Can we please just cancel Pinocchio? It’s not a kid’s movie, and it was disturbing to watch as an adult. The icing on the cake? It’s got 100% on Rotten Tomatoes and is widely considered to be Disney’s finest work. To that I say THANK U, NEXT.

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